Hold on

         H.O.P.E.

hold on, pain ends.

Today it's easier to believe that. 

Perhaps one day I won't think "I wish I was dead" even once. 

Maybe one day pain really ends.

Today I really want to believe so.

I guess today was a good day.

Tapa minut äiti

Oon niin väsyny siihen.

Niin väsyny tuottamaan aina pettymyksen.

Vaikka kuinka yritän, silti nään miten äiti aina katsoessaan mua on niin syvästi pettyny muhun.

Pelkästään sen tekstiviesteistä pystyy rivien väleistä lukemaan sen.

En oo tarpeeks ahkera.

En tarpeeks hyvä koulussa.

En tarpeeks lahjakas musiikissa.

Välitän liikaa ulkonäöstäni.

Vietän liikaa aikaa ulkona kavereitten kanssa.

Tuhlaan liikaa rahaa.

Rakastan liikuntaa, sitä ainoaa asiaa mitä äiti vihaa.

Mun mielipiteet on erilaisia kun äitillä (=en ole homojen vastainen kiihkofundamentalisti).

Oon ylisosiaalinen (äitin silmissä siis) ja uhraan liikaa arvokasta opiskeluun tarkotettua aikaa kavereihin.

En pääse siihen yliopistoon mihin äiti mut haluais.

=En oo sitä mitä äiti haluais mun olevan eli kopio siitä. Tiedän että siinä ei oo mitään järkee että suren sitä etten oo sellanen kun se haluaa. Eihän mun kuulukkaan olla. Silti mua sattuu kun tiedän miten pettyny se on.

Sometimes she wishes she was never born

There are 7 billion people in the world. It wouldn't matter if I wasn't one of them anymore.

Let's just say, if there was a car coming towards me, I wouldn't scream, cry, run, I would just stand there.

Everyday I think why am I still here.

I'm sorry but I'd rather die than wake up tomorrow feeling the way I feel right now.

Ofcourse I won't. There is people out there who I love too much to do that. But I'd love to. I really would.

Tired of trying

when I notice my scars fading

it makes me sad

it makes me mad

it makes me upset

the worst part is

that they're healing

and I'm not

I eat less and less every day.

Why I keep getting more and more fat?

I think I can't do this anymore.

I can't pretend to be okay anymore.

I'm too tired.

happiness never lasts

Had a bad day again

For other girls "having a bad day" means that you're tired, irritated, small things make you lose your mind, you're unsocial and hate everyone.

For me, bad day means this:

I don't want to live.

Getting up from the bed is hard as fuck.

I feel desperate.

I lose all the hope. I seriously believe that depression will last forever.

I hate myself. Looking to the mirror without crying is HARD.

Actually doing anything with no crying is hard. I'm overthinking and there's a 3rd World War going on in my head. I spend my breaks sitting on the toilet floor crying and wondering how am I supposed to go to the next class after couple minutes and everyone can see I've been crying.

I want to cut so, so, so badly. It's almost impossible not to.

I feel like I just want to go to my bed, take only a blade with me and stay there forever cutting myself and hateing myself.

Whenever I see a car or walk over a bridge or something like that there's a second when I want to jump and kill myself so badly that for a while I actually think that I'll do that. Then I tell myself not to.

Nobody told me there would be days like this

Today I'm so tired with holding on.

They say that pain will end one day.

I'm too tired to believe that anymore.

I just want to let go.

Let it go

Suicide.

How sweet it must be to feel all the pain at once then, never again.

I'm addicted

Practically I haven't eaten for couple days.

Feels. So. Damn. Good.

6 steps to living

1. skip a meal

2. avoid people

3. fake a smile

4. cry

5. die a little

6. repeat

Yksinäisen keijun tarina

Siipiinsä keijupölyä hän hieroi aamuisin
että vastatuulessakin lentää jaksaisi
Kovat oli ajat ollu hällä takana
mut kuka uskois et' on olemassa
surullisia keijuja?

Pää painuksissa mainitsi hän kerran
murheistaan
Fauni hymähti, ei ottanut tosissaan
Kuinka muka siivekäs niin maassa olla vois?
Vakavasti otti vasta kun tuo pieni keiju
nukkui pois

On paratiisi meillä täällä näin
vaan ei aina kaikki koe sitä näin
Sillä faunin, peikon, keijunkin
suru joskus kiinni saa
ja vie mukanaan

Yksinäisen keijun tarina kosketti kaikkia
Peikot lohdutteli keijuja, haltijat fauneja
Kaikkialla huokausten kera toistettiin:
Miksi se yhden hengen vaati
ennen kuin me muistettiin:

Ois paratiisi meillä täällä näin
jos elettäisiin aina lähekkäin
ja vaikka faunin, peikon, keijunkin
suru silloin kiinni saa
se ei vie mukanaan

Ois paratiisi meillä täällä näin
jos elettäisiin aina lähekkäin
ja vaikka faunin, peikon, keijunkin
suru silloin kiinni saa
se ei vie mukanaan

I feel like I'm never gonna eat again

what for

why

"Are you happy?"

It's such a difficult question.

I always say yes, because I have friends

I laugh at jokes,

I go out a lot and have fun

my life isn't as bad as it could be,

and I don't have terrible problems.

It could be worse.

But then, 3am when I'm alone

still awake, lying in bed, thinking about life

I find myself crying my heart out

suddenly I convidence that nobody likes me

or nobody will ever like me.

I feel horrible and I quoestion everything I had.

And I don't know I was ever happy at all.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't."

And, I'm sad. Again.

I'm only 17

I should be writing love letters

not suicide notes

I'm only 17

I should be drawing with pencils

not with razors

I'm only 17 

I should be wanting to go out with friends

not wanting to be dead

I hate my life.

I hate myself.

Today I'd like to die really really badly.

Fat but happy

For last couple days I've been really happy. I don't even know why but you have no idea how happy I am to be happy. I don't even remember when was the last time I was happy. 

But I have gained weight again. A lot. (At least I think I have) When I'll become sad again (and that can happen anytime, I'll propably stop eating again.

Fake smile, move on.

I have many problems in my life, but my lips don't know that.

They always smile.

Days clean: 26 0

Mä tarvitsen mun haavoja
Syviä ja suolaisia
Kun mikään ei tunnu miltään
Kipu korvaa ystävää

Joka ei jätä milloinkaan
Nöyränä vartoo vuoroaan
Kun mikään ei tunnu miltään
Kipu korvaa ystävää

Who am I

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow.

A wave tossed in the ocean.

A vapor in the wind.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.

And You've told me who I am.

I am Yours, I am Yours.

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again?

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow.

A wave tossed in the ocean.

A vapor in the wind.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.

And You've told me who I am.

I am Yours.

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done.

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow.

A wave tossed in the ocean.

A vapor in the wind.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.

And You've told me who I am.

I am Yours, I am Yours, I am Yours.

Whom shall I fear?

Whom shall I fear?

'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours.

-Casting Crowns

     This song saved me from myself once with one Dutch guy named Daan. I failed killing myself couple days before I left to Netherlands to visit Daan for a week, so I decided to kill myself when I'd come back to Finland. Daan and this song (and Jesus ofcourse) changed my mind and I didn't.

My scars are fading and I feel lost without them

Nobody knows

Nobody knows the real me.

Nobody knows how many times I've sat in my room and cried,

how many times I've lost hope,

how many times I've been let down.

Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back the tears,

how many times I've felt like I'm about to snap but don't just for the sake of others.

Nobody knows the toughts that have gone through my head whenever I'm sad,

and how terrible they really are.

Nobody knows how huge battle I have with myself every day just to not give up.

Nobody knows how badly I just want to die.

And nobody knows what it's like to fake a smile every day to make everybody think I'm doing fine.

Nobody knows what it's like to love hurting myself.

Jason Walker - Down

I don't know where I'm at

I'm standing at the back

And I'm tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I'm missing way too much

So when do I give up what I've been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

I can't find another way around

And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

Why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

Why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I never know why it's coming down, down, down.

Can I please die

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I wasn't here tomorrow...

Tajusin tässä yks päivä että nyt oon viimein siinä pisteessä mihin oon pyrkiny viimeset kaks vuotta.

Oon katkassu suuren osan ihmissuhteista, valehtelen 98%lle ihmisistä että mulla on kaikki hyvin.

Nyt oon siinä pisteessä johon pyrin niiiin kauan voidakseni tehä itsemurhan.

Nyt ois sen hetki.

Tarvis vaan katkasta yhteys niihin pariin viimeseen ihmiseen joista vielä välitän ja joille oon puhunu totta.

Sitten voisin päättää tän kaiken.

Miksei mulla oo rohkeutta siihen enää?

http://youtu.be/82hLvgGuDu8